Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”

– Hannibal Labradoodle

To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”

I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*

do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun

zookeeper: your what

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?

Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.

Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard

every single time

sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa

Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.

me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

Me: I’m older and wider

Them: don’t you mean “wiser”

Me: nope

There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi

“Failure is how you grow.”

– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.