@ShellHasDragons

Colleague, commenting when the lockdown eventually lifts: oh you must’ve really missed the salon
Me, looking like I normally do:

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@RealDMK

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

@Dutch_50

My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!

@jonnysun

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

@BigJDubz

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

@UncleDuke1969

“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”

– The AutocorrExorcist

@AnOrangeSNES

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

@batkaren

[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?

@T_N_Crumpets

Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]

@PJTLynch

An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car

@Mikecanrant

I accidentally earned a 3rd degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do the last time a bee flew near my face.