I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
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Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1