colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
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What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
😂🐈⬛
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Jupiter
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.