colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
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Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time