Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks

Real bees work best

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?

CATHOLICS: 18

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?

Women: no

TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people

Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed

It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

Things are finally coming to a head.

~inspirational zit

“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

“love means never having to say you’re sorry”

“that is not what love means”

“sorry”