Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.

8yo: Can you just say nothing?

3yo: Nothing

8yo: No, just say nothing

3yo: Nothing!

8yo: No, can you just be silent?

3yo:

3yo: NOTHING!

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question

ㅤ

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”

Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”

Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

me: what do you want from me

wife: a divorce

me: i meant for christmas

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao

Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.

Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”