Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???

yoda: raise his son to murder him we could

Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.

Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.

Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.

*others back away*

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste

shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.

FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?

Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?

When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating

Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

[dies, meets god]
explain Florida

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium