Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
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Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast