Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

me: can i buy you a drink?

her: i’m getting married at 5

me: cool so we have 2 hours

What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy

What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

Snack for election night!

poor people: innuendo

rich people: hoteluendo

Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.

joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people

batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you

joker:

batman:

joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem

I put my pants on like everyone else.

with hope they still fit.

Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.

Me: Ah, the elusive white penny

Cashier: That’s a button

Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.

She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

All food is good if you spell it wrong

Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!

*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?

Me: 👌