Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do

When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

How did you get this number..?

– me to my whole family..

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*

*walks into a dollar store*

excuse me, where would I find the dollars?

9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?

me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.

9yo: oh… so I should lie?

Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces

Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.