Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?

if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.

ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*

“Don’t ask.”

Oh. I wasn’t even listening.

me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to

my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.

Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?

The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?

Me: For like important stuff I guess.

CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!

Me: I said impor-

CNN: Using chopsticks!

Me: She did WHAT?

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.

has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?

Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me

I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.