Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
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*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that
I’m Sold!
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.