Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
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*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”