Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.

23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List

“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”

[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

Me: what’s this fee?

Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.

Me: ok

Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that

Me: do you know how money works?

One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.

Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”

[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream

I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

Twitter has ruined me.

Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald

Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help

Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs

My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?

How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?

~ all countries

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.