Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
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I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.