[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
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Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
