Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

<door bell>

Zombie wife: Is that Bob?

Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.

Hearing those four little words always makes my day.

“Your order just shipped.”

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

she would like to bark at the manager, please.

I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart

Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun

Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.

Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.

Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu

Terribly Tuesday.

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

Get in, there’s no time to explain.

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

9yo: (mouths off to me)

Me:

Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.

Me: Patience

(1 hour later)

9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?

Me: What charger?

Hubs: Nice one.

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!

RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”

Still a very good boi….

Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!

Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.

Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.