College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
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no refunds
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.