College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
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We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.