College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
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When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
happy mother’s day❤️
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
when dads have a rap battle
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
This week’s mood.
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”