College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
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[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
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HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.