College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
You Might Also Like
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Blocked: 1985
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
What happened to the other hiker??!
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”