Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.

Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.

If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.

*Snowstorm on it’s way*

America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!

Canadians – better hit the beer store.

16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection

Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?

16: I’m sorry I tell you anything

Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite

Me (acing this date):

Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

[At the pearly gates]

Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?

Saint Peter: the book was so much better.

One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.

5: I NEED CHOICES!

M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial

telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set

I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…

5 yo: Mommy did that.

Me: Did what?

5 yo: She hit that with her car.

Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.

A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.

I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.

Given the memory span of a goldfish…

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels

For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital