College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?

Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY

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Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.


You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.


Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Just let me finish this movie

Wife: What are you watching?

Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story


sir i need to confiscate all the ice cream in your store yes this is just a costume & i’m not a real cop but no one told me i’m pretty today


I always carry cake, just in case someone pulls a knife on me.


If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.


Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears