College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
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Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
3% human
97% stress
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?