Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now

4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!

Me: What’s her name?

4: I don’t remember.

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

him: you any good at throwing axes

me: just call me lizzie borden

Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”

Dr: You’ve gained some weight

Me: You said I should take it easy

Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick

Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe

After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”

If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.

WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?

Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.

Peter Parker Peter Driver

Going to change my wifi network name to…

Someone Please Help Me

And give this neighborhood something to talk about.

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

I opened a pistachio once…

Worst 37 minutes of my life.

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on