College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.
