College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Heroic Misunderstanding
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
