College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
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I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
The symmetry is uncanny.
