Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?

notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…

[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.

I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.

the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch

Phone

Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?

Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!

Me: Oh good

Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?

Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

Me: Are you mad at me?

Wife: Eventually.

Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”

Jesus: *deletes my account*

Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk

HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!

–CONCERT NIGHT–

ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.

I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.

*knuckle tats*

M A Y O N N A I S E

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty