Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

Study: People with children live longer.

People with children: Shit.

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*

My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times

My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds

A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”

There is still no bar

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours

Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..

…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word

Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours

“Look guys! No hands!”

-captain of the Titanic

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

“I know how to make an entrance.”

-guy who builds doors

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

Wedlock even sounds like a threat.

Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?

[at a restaurant]

SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.

ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.