College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
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I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
I can’t stop watching this.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would