I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
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Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Well, that didn’t work.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8