Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hey watch out for the poison ivy

friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

“Great, now I have to pee.”

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy

just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude

Called it

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?

Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me

It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe

They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

Coworker: Are you doing anything after work?

Me: No I did things at work and now I’m done.

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.

If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too

showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*