College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
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restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.