Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
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[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
the council will decide your fate
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit