“College is a cycle of having absolutely nothing to do… to having every possible paper, exam and project due in one day.”

– Arcadia

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Happy Fourth of July. May your emails be gathered and your drones fly forever free!


Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.


Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.


Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”


[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it


[First Date]
Her: What do you do for a living
Me: (Forgetting the word masseuse) I uh squeeze people
Her: Um…?
Me: No its okay they pay me


The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list


When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.


Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back