Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…

My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”

Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.

Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes

[proposing to my Karate gf]

Me: So, will you marry me?

Her: I’m not sure….

Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL

Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane

WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job

Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

[first day at CIA]

Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?

[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]

oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods

My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards

Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?

Me: Are you going to test me?

Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-

Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU

ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]

[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything