Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!

[limbo contest]

Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means

Dementor: what the hell

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this

A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date

Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

Great game to play with friends

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?

My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.