College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
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tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Get in loser, we’re going overthinking
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work