College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
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Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.