College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
You Might Also Like
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger