Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.

Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated

Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.

My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.

rip to my favourite tweet

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker

I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.

WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!

#dalle2

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀