Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

When my husband asks if he can get something out of my purse, I have to give him full-on GPS instructions: “It’s in the main compartment, to the right of the trail mix. And if you even look at my trail mix, I swear…”

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.

“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.

“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”

Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”

“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out

Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.

Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.

PATENT PENDING!!

Me: It’s time to get ready for school.

Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?

Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.

[6 hours later]

Kid: What are we having for dinner?

Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

“She is not fine.”

~Sun Tzu

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…