college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
murder on the timeline
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I cannot stop laughing at this
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
