@tanklesbian: college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like "dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am" and others you can just email like "mary this piece of shit skunk won't get off my porch. i'm staying home"
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@Brampersandon_: [leaving a party] GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
@DKSC4LIFE: LIFE HACK: If you’re a spy, marry a vegan. They won’t be upset when they find out you’re a plant.
@NickSwardson: I'm behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I'll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
@Mom_Overboard: [looking in the mirror and thinking about how I'm created in God's image] wow God needs to go on a diet.