college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
