“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Gas station lines at 2 am:
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Love is always patient and kind.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?