“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
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Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
I got soap in my shower beer again.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
File under excellent bookstore names.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.