“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
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“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
