College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
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Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Drilling for oil is well boring.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
