College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
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Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.