Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
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I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
ugh not again
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.