College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
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“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”
But, why sir?
Chef: yes
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
The glory of fall.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.