College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
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Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Note to self: I am a note
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Check your privilege
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Had an epiphany today.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played