colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
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Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Time heals everything 🙂
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]