Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)

Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

Waiter: What can I get you?

Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”

Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

The internet is magic sometimes.

Boy never ceases to amaze me

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive

The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.

My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly

[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry