Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.

Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?

Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.

H: Which episode?

M: The one with the dance contest.

H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund

Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?

couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”

Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?

My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.

I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream

The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care

Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.

I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.