Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work

*whips out tampon*

“Now weigh me”

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

#Caturday

UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

Good morning, Twitter x

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.

sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

The princess and the pea

But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.

Therapist: healing isn’t linear

Me: what if I pay extra?

i want the dreams to chase me for once