Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card

Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.

NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax

[5 minutes later]

me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad

I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.

“You want a BOOTH?!”

“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”

“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”

~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.

[aliens observing earth]

“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.

Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again

Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]

Me: I’ll take it.

If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping

Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?

accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in