Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree

Rorschach: I did

It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!

Thinking about Jeff

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

[Entomologist Meeting]

Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?

Guy who named the fly: A crawl?

G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.

Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang

Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

I fold.

Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.

Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go