colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
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Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!