@aaronneedshelp

colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

@iliezabeth

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

@Queen_Sassy_AF

*first date*

Him: Favorite animal?

Her: Panaver

Him: Huh?

Her: A cross between a panda and beaver because I am lazy but love wood.

@Home_Halfway

LAWYER: Can you tell the court where you were the night of the murder

ENGLISH TEACHER: I’m sure I CAN, yes

LAWYER: Ugh. Please tell the court where you were the night of the murder

ENGLISH TEACHER: Much better. I was killing the victim

@sonictyrant

me: *running around the operating room in circles screaming*

patient: who’s that?

nurse: your trauma surgeon

patient: wow he’s good

@Shade510

Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control

@tastefactory

*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*

@NonCombosMentos

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*