Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
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[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Him: Favorite animal?
Her: A cross between a panda and beaver because I am lazy but love wood.
LAWYER: Can you tell the court where you were the night of the murder
ENGLISH TEACHER: I’m sure I CAN, yes
LAWYER: Ugh. Please tell the court where you were the night of the murder
ENGLISH TEACHER: Much better. I was killing the victim
me: *running around the operating room in circles screaming*
patient: who’s that?
nurse: your trauma surgeon
patient: wow he’s good
??q? uo p??oq??? ? ?nq ? ???? ?s?? ??? s? s???
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*