Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.

Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.

It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.

When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning

[date started at 9 pm]

[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.

[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.

Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.

Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.

I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude

Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.

Me:

Husband:

Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.