Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

Meow

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

TWO hops this time?

In this economy?

“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…

Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!

“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.

(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come

I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days