colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
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WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’