Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

me: it’s an egg dying party!

8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?

Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?

I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.

Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.

me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are

cellmate: i wish

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’

Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.

this is the most humiliating day of my life

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.

“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”

I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea:

[1st date]

Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.

Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.

Magician: Abracadabra!

[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]

Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*

a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

Her: Where have you been?

Me: I went to see a shrink.

Her: Are you having emotional problems?

Me: No… I just want to be smaller.