Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*

5: Can we play music in our room?

Me: Sure!

5: Any music?

Me: Whatever you want!

5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!

Me: Nooooooooooooo

Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.

Me: No cop, no stop.

Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?

Me: No cop, no hop!

Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!

Me: NO COP, NO MOP!

Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?

Because there are more birds on that side

Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:

They shrink everyone on earth on purpose

The planet will never run out of resources

Everyone is eaten by ants

Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit

my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.

-mental notes I take watching crime tv.

My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall

Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”

…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far

alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”

7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.

Well, I WAS having a nice day.

[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real