[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
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ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
when you order from DoorDastardly
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days
i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Always stretch before playing billiards or you might pool a muscle
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
