Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You wrote a play?

Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.

Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.

Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?

“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.

got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

LOOOOOOL

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.

I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

… and be generous with the lollipops

– me holding up a bank

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.

Me: Loving this juice cleanse.

Wife: That’s sangria.

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.

Me: Please throw them in the dryer.

Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.

Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

“The Perfect Relationship”