[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
You Might Also Like
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.