Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.

*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?

Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too

Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?

Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.

Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

Do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold

me: what if you cooked it just right

microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk

we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

[gf comes home after spray tanning]

Hey, orange you looking good!

“Thanks”

Anytime, pumpkin!

“You’re sweet”

You’re one in vermillion!