Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?

I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.

“Shake your money maker”

Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*

“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for

Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.

CEO: Dang it. That means-

Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?

BUBBA: sherwood forest

FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n

Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.

Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again

What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?

His Highness

One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.

what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?

I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.

[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*

We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.

At conference w/ teacher

Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?

Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio

7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio

Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma

7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!

Teacher:

Me: what? That’s how I learned it

#Dadlife

funeral catering business:

your loss, our gain

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”

Me: Cute baby, when was she born?

New mother: Yesterday.

Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.

A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.