Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

🌱🌱🌱

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

dora: jeez we’re really lost

boots: dora i’m freezing

backpack: we need a fire

the map: what should we use to start it?

dora:

boots:

backpack:

the map: oh no

dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault

What did the 0 said to O?

Ohio!

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”

Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

My kitchen overserved me.

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?