Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
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No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
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The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
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