Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
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I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music