Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
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Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
The cheapest way to fly is off the handle
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’