Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
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(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*