Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
😅🤣😂
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
